Be Strong not Stubborn
Firm not Harsh
Flexible not Fickle
Humble not Proud
Helpful not Showy
Affectionate not Hurtful
Annoyed not Resentful
The Glue and not the Crack
Being You yet Accepting others
Brave yet Grateful
Helpful yet Modest
Right yet Wrong
Successful yet Grounded
Angry yet Composed
There are a lot of benefits to being a grown up and there’s a bunch of sh*t too. In reading this ‘definition’ of maturity, I was struck by the list of ‘opposites. “be the glue, not the crack.” The reality is that sometimes we are the crack. No matter how hard we try NOT to be. It’s complicated to be right yet wrong, successful and grounded, firm and not harsh.
The reality is that some of us will mature more fully. Lots of things get in the way of being mature… #1 is ego and I equate a big ego to someone who isn’t confident. They push and pull their way through life. The sharp edges never wear off. No. Matter. What.
My favorite saying on this list and the one I’ve worked hard on is “angry yet composed.” Being raised a ‘girl,’ I was taught, shown and constantly reinforced – girls don’t get angry. It’s ok for boys, after all, they’re boys. (Yeah, I feel sick too). Growing up in a very dysfunctional home, it was easy to be angry. I was good at it. I had a lot of practice. so what was I supposed to do with it. Channel it into new lipsticks and hairdos?
Remember, I was born before the legislation that changed the lives of American women forever, Title IX (pros and cons article).
The law that sports had to be equal for men and women. Prior to Title IX, sports were not available to women. Hell, we’ve only had the right to vote since August 26, 1920. 95 years! There are women alive today who couldn’t vote in the early part of their lives. It’s hard for me to imagine.
So now that traditional outlets for learning, growing, understanding winning and losing, choosing our own destiny, etc. are available to us, finding a way to be angry and composed is easier. Not easy, but at least today, I’ve got a clue.
Today’s Hustle Is
… have a company, get money from other people, learn on their nickel. A lot of good that comes from this. Ideas get vetted and people learn valuable skills. What’s not good – the idea that you need to be the leader of a company, ‘your’ company. Everyone has to listen to YOU. You make the rules, you decide what happens. You’re in charge.
This. is. not. leadership.
Being a Leader Requires Self-Awareness
It takes a big person to look in the mirror and say, I am not good at that. And I don’t mean… I’m not good at math. I mean, I’m not a good listener, I’m not generous, I’m self-absorbed.
When we try to lead others without self-awareness, we simply draw them into our drama. We may be very smart or charismatic or well-connected and that’s how we’ve gotten as far as we have. But when it comes to knowing ourselves, we’re nowhere.
Do you know someone over 40 who is completely oblivious of the effect his/her personality on others? Especially in the workplace? It’s depressing.
Get On With It
Areas for examination are: personality, values, habits, needs and emotions. Here’s Gary Vaynerchuk’s take on the importance of self awareness. He suggest that we audit ourselves. I’m going to work on my audit. I’m going to start with habits. I think I need some new ones.
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom (Gen. George Patton)
Thinking back on my career, I see 5 turning points, i.e. mistakes:
- blabbing when I should have kept my mouth shut (my most common)
- being disrespectful to a boss
- not admitting when I was wrong
As I suffered the consequences of my actions (getting fired or pulled off a big project); I berated myself. What helped me was…
- talking about it to someone I trusted
- telling myself that I am human
- examining why I behaved that way (what was in it for me)
This last step is where I learned the most. When I would act against my own best interest, there was usually something to justify it. “He deserved to be taken down a peg.” “They don’t admit their mistakes, why should I?”
My self-defeating behavior stemmed from insecurity and a lack of self understanding.
Success depends on learning from mistakes. Mistakes are good. They wear down our sharp edges. I can look in the mirror and smile. Make friends with your mistakes.
Photo Credit: The Colors Emerge Familymwr
Some people make jokes about their terrible memories and their inability to remember people’s names. Like it’s a big joke. It’s not.
“Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound” Dale Carnegie
Recently I recounted a story about the CEO of a national company with 2,000 employees. When I visited his office, the walls were covered with photos of the company’s employees. Some had check marks next to them. The check marks indicated those employees that the CEO had met in their hometown (all over the country) and with whom he had spoken about their family. His goal was to know the face, name and family members of each employee no matter where he met them. Imagine the energy it took to work on this.
Why did this CEO think this was so important? Well, first of all it meant that he was focused on employees. Next, it gave him a way to connect to people who were not at ‘headquarters’ and a way to make them feel that he cared about them, which, he obviously did.
I work hard to remember people’s names. I learned a trick many years ago; when I meet someone new, I say their name as I shake their hand. Then I try to use it at least one more time before we part company. It’s a small thing but it leaves a positive impression. Check out these tips for remembering names.
Photo credit: Whisper
I find it surprising and disturbing that recruiters are still holding two things against job seekers in their social media posts:
Swearing and spelling.
In the infographic, “Watch What You Post on Social Media,” when recruiters were asked, “what are the biggest red flags in job applicants’ social profiles?, the answer is, well, old fashioned … and perhaps not helpful to the potential employer.
In this survey, swearing and spelling have nearly the same negative impact as illegal drugs and sexual posts.
Look, I completely understand that we need standards and differentiators. But eliminating a candidate because they use an ‘F’ bomb vs. using drugs? This makes no sense. I am 100% for everyone paying attention to what they post. I am a well-known ‘hater’ of Face Book for many reasons (mainly they have continually shown open contempt for privacy), but I understand that it is an important part of many people’s daily lives. So just eliminating a candidate for a spelling error doesn’t make sense. In a tight job market, I can see why recruiters use any tool to distinguish between applicants. But spelling errors? We teach the whole language approach to reading and writing in school (vs. phonetics). When you look at the picture… at this kid’s notebook… you see “samwichis” and “lemminad” are early attempts to wrangle language. When you realize kids today probably are not even learning cursive… perhaps it’s time to think of the ‘context.’
I realize hiring is complex and keeping up with trends in social media is difficult. But especially in the coming, ‘war for talent’ – it will be helpful to think broadly about the changing mores in social media and expression.
Photo Credit: Extra Credit Woodleywonderworks
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” —Theodore Roosevelt
“WE ALREADY HAVE everything we need. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fear that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun; all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here.” Pema Chodron Start Where You Are
What could Rough Rider (soldier, big game hunter, President) Teddy Roosevelt and a Buddhist nun have in common?
They both counsel us to live in the day, today. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here.
If you are seeing the world from under a cloud today, know the sun is just above them. If you are feeling the sun on your face, turn that light towards someone else. It can be as simple as a smile, a thank you. We’re in this together. #Goteam
Photo Credit: Buddha Dog Bruce
“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” – Scott Hamilton
People with a bad attitude (bullies and the like) HATE inspirational sayings. They think they are for are stupid and ‘weak’ people. They feel their anger and bad temper are justified. I remember having a ‘chip on my shoulder’ when I was growing up. (Maybe I still have it.)
My parents were alcoholics, I had my share of problems. Worse, I couldn’t control how I expressed my anger. It just came out. Often when I didn’t want or expect it to. The people I was most angry at… wouldn’t have been able to hear me even if I had expressed my frustrations and fear.
So I’d be at the grocery store and some young clerk would make a mistake and I’d lash out, all out of proportion to the error. When I finished carrying on, I would feel justified at first… then I’d just feel awful. Why did I do that? I was never going to do it again. And then, suddenly, I would do it again.
I finally got sick of being angry. I got help. I went to Al-Anon (free peer support for families of alcoholics), got a counselor, went to treatment for children of alcoholics. My life changed slowly but dramatically.
My story is no different than many others. I was lucky; I had the will and resources to get help. Many caring and intelligent people never get help. They just stay mad, sad and lost.
If you recognize that you sometimes lash out at people, whether at people you love or strangers, I urge you to talk to someone. There are free resources available to you, no matter where you live. No matter what your problem, there are others who have had them too.
Photo credit: Scott Hamilton
I like these. I particularly like #3. Show ‘great’ respect…
If you’ve been reading the news then you know about “Ferguson” Missouri.
I know many people don’t want to talk about it, but that doesn’t make the problem go away.
And there is a problem. It’s no one’s ‘fault’… but if you aren’t willing to confront the truth, if you are not willing to think about what the people in the streets (black and white, young and old) are saying… then perhaps you get to carry some of the blame. In this situation, there is no right and wrong, there is only moving forward by getting involved in the conversation.
If you look at and listen to the conversation of high school students around the country… each of us can begin to have hope. Listen to the students at the Saint Louis High School where the principal is having students engage each other… which he monitors and insists on respect between the students.
“…creating that decorum within the meeting – is really important to having people say what they need to say. And I always tell the kids, you know, how you relay your message has a lot to do with how it’s accepted and whom you influence.” Kevin Grawer, principal of Maplewood Richmond Heights High School.
Are you listening to people who disagree with you or are you just yelling or worse… pretending their point of view is irrelevant? Do you work to see the other person’s point of view? It’s so easy to be righteous. They should do this or that.
But I’ve never walked in their shoes.
I have, however, been poor, afraid and female. I have a glimpse into why some of the anger exists and why I feel it is often justified.
Respect. It all starts there.
What makes someone cool?
It depends on many things: our stage of life, our interests, etc. For me, Steve McQueen (the actor in the photo) was Mr. Cool. Fast cars (Bullitt), motorcycles, independent, handsome, tough.
I think that cool relates to 3 things:
- Self-awareness – how well do I know myself, my shortcomings and strengths. This takes real effort for most of us. It’s easier just to be oblivious.
- Self- asssuredness – this isn’t related to ego, it’s related to believing in our selves long after it’s reasonable (multiple failures!)
- Self-compassion – do I know how to make amends to those I hurt and by extension, do I forgive myself when I make a mistake?
These 3 attributes help us lead, follow, be resilient, learn, grow, change and adapt – they help me to be independent. I like to be independent. More importantly and perhaps counter-intuitively, it make more compassionate towards others.
I think people who accept themselves, are cool. I think people who don’t think they’re cool, are often, cool. People who understand that what makes them different from everyone else, cool.
One last thing, I also think accepting responsibility is cool. When I do something that doesn’t reflect well on myself, I hate to admit it. I learned, through much pain, that it’s better to just own it. As quickly as I can. That’s one thing that makes me cool.
Cool can be about they way someone dresses or talks… but really, it’s much more about their attitude; towards themselves and by extension, towards others.
So my friend, what makes someone cool in your eyes?
Photo Credit: Steve McQueen Barbour
We live in a hurry-up world so I think it’s discouraging for many of us that the world is not a ‘better’ place. We feel helpless when we don’t know what to do to fix things. This is a reflection of how much information we have about the 7 BILLION people who live on our planet. 100 years ago, we knew a lot about our block but not that much about the next city, state or country. Positive change requires effort and patience. To highlight this, think about; “Presence is far more intricate and rewarding … than productivity.” We focus a lot on productivity (I’m all for that) … I’m suggesting we spend time thinking about how we present ourselves in the world.
The reality is we may be limited in our ability to change things quickly, but there are things we can do:
- improve our personal awareness (strengths,weaknesses)
- establish a personal presence that truly reflects our values and unique perspective (without being rigid)
- have faith in ourselves
- take small steps towards improving the world – get involved in something!
- listen more, talk less
- be kind
For today, maybe you could read something that takes some effort and reach out to someone who needs support. Other than being present for those you love, do what you are called to do today. If you’re not sure, you might just need to be quiet and be patient. Two things we are short on in this hurry-up world.
I found the quote in the picture in an article titled, 7 Life Long Learnings from 7 Years of Brain Picking. Check out Brain Pickings.
Do you know Debbie Millman? She’s a writer, educator, artist, brand consultant and host of a radio/podcast show Design Matters. Check her out too.
photo credit: Israel Smith