Posts tagged: confidence

The Case For Joy

There Is No Joy Without Gratitude - Joy Quotes

What Happened to Joy?

I take my dog places and she is such a bundle of happiness and excitement that many people comment on how much she loves life. She bounces up and down, licks hands, and is basically ready to play at any moment. People are genuinely entranced by her sense of joy. I’ve noticed that each person who sees her, also seems almost wistful when they look at her, or they may even say something like…” I wish I was that happy” or “It must be great to be that happy.”Whatever happened to our sense of  ‘joy?’ By definition joy is:

jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, happiness, glee, exhilaration, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, ecstasy, rapture

When was the last time you felt exhilarated? exuberant? blissful? What do you think happens to our sense of feeling joyful?

Too Busy to Be Joyful?

I have no illusions that the ‘good old days’, were all that good or joyful. Just because things were simpler, does not mean that they were more joyful. However, we have worked hard to create more ‘leisure’ time and one would hope that in that time, we’d find our way back to a little elation or glee.

I wonder if it has to do with focus? If we focus on being like my dog, present in the moment… expecting good but simple things, the sunshine or the rain, the ability to smile at one another, getting or giving a hug. What if we just stopped a few times a day and looked for something to feel joyful about?

Just for Today

Follow your bliss, get out of the hallway, look for the good, appreciate the moment. Let me know how it goes.

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Image Credit: Joy Quotes

Follow your bliss

Self Confidence – Hard to Come By?

I’m Afraid, That’s Why I Won’t Do…

It only makes sense that if we’re afraid, we’re probably NOT going to do something. Unless we are one of those adventure-hungry people, we’re likely to avoid things we consider too risky. Now deciding what is ‘too risky’ is personal. There’s a leap of faith in entering a room of strangers for the first time, directly facing the fear of being rejected. We can, however, push forward and understand that our attitude towards risk is in our control. We all have situations where we feel afraid. How we deal with the fear, defines us.

Tension vs. Fear

In this terrific blog post, Seth Godin highlights why tension (not fear) is essential to learning, especially for adults.

“Tension is the hallmark of a great educational experience. The tension of not quite knowing where we are in the process…not having a guarantee. The tension we face any time we’re about to cross a threshold. The tension of this might work vs. this might not work. The tension of if I learn this, will I like who I become?

It’s an ironic reality of human-hood that we learn so much as a child, then our educational system (which I wholeheartedly support) sometimes works harder to drive “compliance” (rote) than learning (how to learn). So by the time we’re teenagers, it takes an act of courage to be ourselves. We learn to fear the tension associated with learning.

“Just Do It”

The reason this Nike catchphrase continues to resonate today, is that the second part of the phrase is implied. Just do it (even though you are afraid & you have doubts). It is through the very act of being ourselves, that we actually learn the most, especially if we are willing to face the good, the bad and the ugly about ourselves (we all have some of each). Understanding ourselves is the point of living. Want to build your self-confidence? It seems counter-intuitive to take MORE risk, but that’s exactly what is required. Let me know how it’s going.

For a quick assessment of your risk tolerance, check out Are You a Risk-Taker?

Image credit: Lifehack

What’s the Question?

I Once Was Lost

Do you feel lost sometimes? Truthfully, I’ve spent most of life feeling ‘other.’ I like how Anne Lamott describes it:

“There are times in our lives — scary, unsettling times — when we know that we need help or answers but we’re not sure what kind, or even what the problem or question is. We look and look, tearing apart our lives like we’re searching for car keys in our couch, and we come up empty-handed.”

Can you relate? Are you searching through your life looking for “the” answer? I don’t know much, but I know one thing… there isn’t an answer. There may not even be clarity of the question. When I’m lost, I try to do the opposite of searching the couch cushions. I try to clear my mind and look for inspiration, not answers.

But Now I’m Found

Rather than “advice, approval, advantage, safety, or relief from pain” which is what I think I want…I look for peace of mind. What can I do, in this moment, that will bring me peace. I don’t try to dissect all the parts, pieces and people. I don’t try to understand motivations, mine or anyone else’s. I stop seeking and try to be.

Lamott continues, “Kindness toward others and radical kindness to ourselves buy us a shot at a warm and generous heart, which is the greatest prize of all.”

For today, the question is, what can I do, to have peace of mind, right now?

Photo credit: Question Mark Squircle

Short Skirts and Bra Straps

bra straps showing fashion - Google-Suche

Acceptable Dress

I was waiting in line at the grocery store the other day and the 2 women in front of me were wearing shirts with bra straps showing. I was thinking, at what point in the last few years did it become “acceptable” to show your bra straps? I’m old so I remember the days when showing a bra strap was beyond tacky… it was a signal that you were not a “lady”.

But now… these 2 middle-aged women were not only showing their straps… they were at the grocery store where everyone could see them! It made me stop and think about how ideas (as well as fashion) change and become ‘socially acceptable.’

Preconceived Notions vs. Independent Thinking

The idea of whether bra straps show or not is, of course, relatively meaningless. But I hope you see that the same social norm that said, in the 1970’s, that short skirts were ‘unacceptable’ and rebellious, now accepts both short skirts and showing bra straps.

Image result for 1970's short skirts

If we take this idea of what is socially acceptable to broader ideas… it can be useful to monitor our own thinking. What is one idea that you have, that is outdated? or unhelpful? or that everyone around you thinks is okay but you feel is wrong? or that makes you uncomfortable? Are there ideas or norms that you rub you the wrong way? Sometimes we don’t even realize it until we stop and really think about it. The other complicating factor is, how do we acknowledge our own position (that’s different from many others around us), without being judgemental of others?

Here’s My Broader Idea: We’re In This Together

I believe that I have an obligation to give back to the world in tangible ways. That I have a responsibility to:

  • find people to help in a way that fits with what I have to give
  • focus on being grateful for all the gifts I have
  • be aware of the needs of those around me
  • take steps every day to be present for everyone I meet

What’s that got to do with bra straps? I don’t know. Somewhere in my strange brain they’re connected. I have always been someone who doesn’t care much for what other people think. And finding my own way in the world is hard because it’s always easier to follow the crowd. But I’m not good at that. I hope this gives you a chance to stop for a minute and think about… your broader idea. I hope you have the courage and strength to follow through. I believe in you.

Photo credit: bra straps showing    70’s short skirts

 

Picking Your Friends

Perhaps Augustus' inevitable death was part of what motivated his introspection, which could lead easily to improving himself.

Picking Your Friends?

How do you pick your friends? Because I’m old and have had the chance to meet a lot of people, I probably have a big database in my head and heart that tells me who to trust. I’m not saying that my judgement (database) is better than anyone else’s, I’m just saying I’ve had a lot of practice. But honestly, I’ve never really thought about my ‘process’ for picking friends. So, for today, let’s think about how we pick our friends and let’s start with…

Pick Yourself First

I read an article in Quora (a site I love, full of interesting Q’s & A’s), that talked about how the Torah gives us instructions as how to recognize a person’s true nature. Here’s what it says:

[The true nature of] a person is recognized through three things: his ‘cup’ (how he acts after drinking), his ‘wallet’ (his business integrity and how he spends his money), and his ’anger’.

I’m not suggesting that there are no other criteria for evaluating friendships. Of course there are. But let’s take these 3 and let’s apply them first to ourselves.

  • Regarding drink, I come from a long line of alcoholics. Fortunately, I am not one, but we do need to view this particular aspect gently.
  • The second item, the wallet, also needs to be thought of rather gently. I grew up lower middle class in an upper middle-class suburb. The way I saw and still see the world is through a rather skewed lens. I think about the future and want to make sure I have ‘enough’ to take care of the people I love and myself. The one think I do cherish though, is my commitment to helping those less fortunate than myself. I try to put my time and money to use in a world where so many, need so much.
  • Regarding anger, this is a constant struggle for me. I am a woman and women aren’t supposed to get angry. We’re supposed to stuff it down and act calm and sweet. This is not a healthy way to go through life. Finding a way to acknowledge and deal with our anger is, for me, a life long journey.

So I suggest that before we work to ‘recognize’ anyone else’s nature, we examine our own.

My Friend’s True Nature?

Fortunately, most people are pretty generous when it comes to accepting me the way I am. I’m grateful for that. I hope that’s because I’m on a continuous journey to know myself and recognize my own true nature.

Happy Passover!

Image credit: Pinterest

A Walk Before Breakfast

We had a rare rain the other day in So. Cal. Yoshi and I were walking through the park and he went into this puddle. I snapped the pic quickly.

Comfort

Everyday, I test to see how comfortable I am. Seems kind of odd right? I’m human, of course I am looking for comfort. But being fully human means going beyond your own comfort, to do things we may not want to do… for all kinds of reasons. Some of us wait until we are pushed into the discomfort zone, for example, we get an illness that requires us change our diet or medications. We don’t like it, but we do it because we have to.

Discomfort

What if we decided that, everyday, we are going to do something we are not comfortable with, just for practice. I don’t mean at work. That doesn’t count. Each of us are expected to be outside our comfort zone at work.  (It’s often the reason we get paid.) I mean doing the exact thing you hate. Like taking a walk before breakfast. Listen, I love breakfast, it’s my favorite meal and I look forward to it everyday. So the idea of going for a walk, before I do what I want? Sounds stupid. Yet, I do it every day. Here’s why. I knew that I needed to build exercise into my life. Not the, oh I’m going to the gym for 4 months, then I stop, exercise. The kind that I would do day in and day out. So I got a dog that needs to walk, every. day. Regardless of the weather. Regardless of my mood. There are many days when I don’t feel like going out. Too bad. We gotta go. And the last thing I want to do is go for a walk, before my favorite meal of the day. Right?

Change

Getting a dog is a pretty drastic way to get “uncomfortable.”  So what can you do to be, a little less comfortable, every day.

  1. Read something challenging – either to your beliefs or your intellect. This will take work because most of us have a set of sources we read. Certain news sources, authors, etc. We talk to people who agree with us. Find one source of discomfort and spend 5 minutes a day.
  2. Don’t complain – Complaining seems to be a regular way of life. There’s a difference between relaying information and complaining. You know the difference, especially when you are on the receiving end of listening to someone else. One is stating the facts, the other is laced with “poor me” and how could this happen to me? Catch yourself before you complain. Just. don’t. do. it.
  3. Do something for someone else that they don’t expect – This will also take work. It will require you to think about someone else long enough to imagine what they would like. I don’t mean making your kid’s lunch or your spouse’s dinner. I mean something unexpected. Something that actually takes effort on your part.

Like all habits, they take energy and focus to cultivate. But when I’ve managed to make it part of my mindset, it’s like… walking before breakfast.

Photo Credit: Reflection of Wee Westie

The Case for “Abby Normal”

Image result for if you are always trying to normal maya angelou

Who is Abby Normal?

In one of my favorite movies, Young Frankenstein, the lab assistant (Igor), has to steal a brain from another lab (for Frankenstein’s monster). Igor makes a mistake and takes a jar marked.. ‘abnormal’ brain. When confronted, Igor says that the name on the jar was, Abby Normal. Watch the clip

Normal is Overrated

I have a split personality. Part of me wants to be abby normal. I have always said I am, “too weird for the normal people and to normal for the weird people.” I meant this as partly reality, partly to justify why I am happy and proud to not care what people think. The other part of me is desperate to be normal. Growing up with limited parenting, I often had to guess at what was ‘normal’. The truth is, I still have to guess, more often that I would like to admit.

The amount of energy I have spent to appear ‘normal’ is well, crazy. Had a listened to Maya Angelou (quote above), I would have stopped trying to be what other people think is “normal”. I would have embraced my inner weirdo and been proud. Instead, I spent years looking to ‘fit in’ or be someone that people think is okay. Why? Right now, I’m not sure I know. There is human/biological need to belong. Could that be part of it? But really, reflecting on this, I don’t understand … why did I feel this was necessary?

Breaking the “Normal” Mold

It’s good to be normal, AND there’s nothing wrong with being weird. If you’re like me and feel a little too weird for the normal people, then I ask you to love yourself. We are big tribe!

Image credit: Zero Dean

Destination = A New Way of Seeing

“One’s destination is never a place but a new way of seeing things.” Henry Miller

Where Am I Going?

Many people see life as a series of destinations. Go to school, get married, have kids… like items on a checklist, we move on to the next destination without thinking much about the alternatives. In fact, you might be thinking, there are alternatives? What are they?

  • Don’t Go To “School” – I’m not recommending that people NOT go to school. What I’m suggesting is that we think about choices. If someone decides not to get a ‘formal’ education… do we think ‘less’ of them? Do we wonder about their intelligence? their ambition? Probably, because we are programmed to check off the items on the list. I have the good fortune to have relatives and friends who have formal educations and others that, for all kinds of reasons, chose not to. Both of these ‘categories’ of people in my life are the same. They love me, they teach me, they see me, they inspire me. Level of education doesn’t factor into it.
  • Don’t Get Married – This idea, fortunately, has changed since I was young. In my early years, an unmarried 40 year old woman (not a man) was see as an ‘old maid’, unlovable, broken, unattractive. Our culture is geared towards couples. If you are single woman… after a certain age, you are considered strange. In 1900, if you were 22 and unmarried you were lost forever, a spinster. (note that there is no male equivalent for this word.) In 2017, being a single woman is more acceptable, but we are still viewed less favorably than women in relationships.

Life as a Series of Lens Changes

Another way to look at life, is to think of it as a series of ‘lens’ changes – the way we see the world. The goal then becomes, seeing myself, other people, poverty, politics, my home town, my job, my friends… everything… in a new way. Imagine if you set the goal to re-evaluate your world view and all it’s component parts every 5 years. Not, did I hit the societal norm milestone, but did I grow? Did I change? Do I understand my responsibility to the world in a new way? Have I worked to make the world a better place in my own way?

Some of us have this way of looking at the world pushed on us by circumstances. Some of us; the artists, the change makers, the thinkers, the poets, the philosophers… accept that this is how we’ll live. Some of us are afraid to not be ‘normal.’ Afraid that we will be alone and lost.

Not everyone can be an artist. But everyone can shift their perception just a bit. Practice it. Make it a priority. Look for role models. Let me know how it goes.

Photo credit: Never a Place

Small Things, Great Things

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All Things, Great and Small

When we are young, we are told that the decisions we make on things like, getting good grades or which college we go to, are the biggest decisions of our lives. The pressure to make the “right decision” is tremendous. Certainly in light of the cost of college and the associated debt, there is merit to this. But the truth is, the really important decisions are, small and occur daily.

Did I eat healthy food and rest enough? Did I talk to someone I love today? Did I get a hug? Did I remember to be grateful for my senses? My ability to walk and talk? For the beauty of the world around me? These may seem like ‘small’ things. But fortunately for many of us – they are huge, free and easily accessible. Yet, we take them for granted. We don’t see that these ‘small’ things are, in fact, ‘big’ and ‘great’.

Do I Hold On to Pain?

Some sadness and difficulty is part of every person’s life. How we take that burden and then grow (wallow) or shrink from it, is what separates those living fully, from those who are stuck. Modern living encourages quick solutions, instant information and self-gratification. If we can figure out how to harness the power of discomfort and/or learn to let go gracefully, then we can learn how the small things; a tweak to my attitude, a short conversation with someone I love, admitting I’m wrong, reaching out to someone else instead of thinking of myself, are the most important decisions we will make today.

Be Bold And Great Forces Will Come to Your Aid

I wrote a post in 2012 with this title. I remember the first time I heard it. It blew me away. Being bold seems like something someone else does… they take chances, they seem to get over failure easier than I do. They seem to be able to fight the ‘good fight’ and be a role model. I am here to tell you that you can too. You just need to find your way. Don’t do it because someone else is… do it because you believe it’s right.  Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s counterproductive. Be happy in failure, humble in success, joyful in our shared humanity.

Image credit: Life Hacks

Belonging

Rick Medina, right, a Yaqui Apache whose tribe is centered in Arizona, and his son, Miles Medina. They were among the participants at a Colorado Springs Native American Inter Tribal Powwow and festival in that central Colorado city

Where Do I Belong?

Belonging… as humans, we have an innate desire to belong, to be a part of something. And yet many of us don’t like to be part of a group. For whatever reason: the need for independence, the fear of rejection.. we find it difficult to assimilate.

There are origin stories… stories of our family, our town, our country, our history, etc. that remind us that we are part of something larger than ourselves, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Some of those stories are happy and make us proud. Some are shocking, sad and even brutal. Each of us probably has a little of each in our background.

How Do We Belong?

If you stop for a minute and think about the idea of where (and to whom) you belong, you may think of it in a few different ways. Family may the first thing you think of. But if you have a family story like mine, the story may be filled with sadness, so I need to find another way to feel like I belong.

Religion may be another way that we can feel that belong. We identify ourselves as a Christian or a Jew, a Muslim or a Sikh. Even being an atheist is a way to belong to a group that sees the world through the same lens.

Race is an important way that we find identity. Whether we are aware of it or not, it shapes our daily life.

Location can be one of the least understood and respected form of belonging. There are national and local identities. In many places in the world, the village where a person is born defines a great deal about their sense of belonging. Here in the US, with our ability to (relatively) easily relocate, we take for granted the ability to be American and keep that identity regardless of where, in the country, we live. Think about your “place/location.” I moved over 20 times before I was 22.

We Belong to Each Other

It’s important to understand how we define ourselves so that we can clearly see ourselves in relation to others. Regardless of our beliefs, country, skin color… we are all one, human. We love our children, we want to work and have meaning in our lives. Think about the things that make you feel a part of something and understand how that either joins or separates you from others. Let’s talk about this more in the future.

 

Image credit: Rick Medina, Yaqui Apache & son  Carol Highsmith (via the Library of Congress)