I Hate Asking for Help
I HATE asking for help. In my world, asking for help is not only a sign of weakness, but, as I learned from an early age, asking for help often means I won’t get any. My family tried, but they just were not in a position to be there for me. So as a result, I’m lousy at figuring out what I need and then asking other people to help me.
Independence Is Overrated
The problem with thinking that I have to do everything myself is that:
- It’s tiring
- I’m not that good at a lot of stuff
- It’s lonely
- Other people resent it
- I don’t give people a chance to show their support and love for me
Is It My Ego Talking?
There’s also an element of ego in “not asking.” As if, when I reveal a need and someone helps me, I might owe them something and then I can’t do whatever I want. Ego is very bad reason not to ask for help and tricky to recognize.
Balance Is The Goal
Being too dependent is equally bad. Not stepping up, getting too comfortable, manipulating others to do my work, etc. This is very bad also. This, however, isn’t my problem. I try to solve my problems and everyone else’s. Even if people don’t want my help. So now I work on paying attention to what I need and help others in a way that I can (when asked).
While it’s painful for me to ask for help, I have to keep trying. It takes more confidence to request help than it does to ‘go it alone.’ Arrggghhh. I hate it!
Image credit: Asking for help
Dog Eat Dog
It may seem counter intuitive in this dog eat dog world, that being nice could help a person’s career. People think being cut throat and having a competitive fire is needed to get ahead — and to get ahead we must step on and over people.
There IS a place in business for a seriously competitive attitude. Specifically, when customers or products are involved, being better and stronger can benefit all. Imagine the world of personal computers, for instance, if there were no competition? Where would that industry be? Would our lives be better or worse?
Nice Guys Finish – First
Being kind, generous, thoughtful and interested in those around us takes effort. And that is largely the problem.
As we rush through our days, we get so focused on “doing”… that we forget to just “be.”
So, just for today, stop, breathe, see the person standing next to you and smile. Listen when they talk. You may be surprised at their reaction — and how you feel.
Photo credit: Jessica Hagy
In 1930, many people found themselves without work; without a way to support their families. Have things changed? Some have; some haven’t.
Take a closer look at the picture. This man, probably dressed in his good clothes, is walking the streets, advertising, ON HIS BACK, that he needs work. Imagine if you had to do this. That you were so desperate to work that you literally had to walk the streets with a sign.
Humbling isn’t it?
Just for today, think about how fortunate you are. Whether you have a job or not. If you have a place to live, food to eat, a family, good health or any combination of these, you are one of the lucky people. For today, I choose gratitude for what I have.
(If you need a little help finding a job… check out, “What’s Different About Job Search in 2015?”)
Photo credit: I know 3 trades
Are you trying something new? How does it feel? Exciting? Scary? Confusing?
Are you feeling like you want to try something new but you’re afraid? (Seems reasonable!)
Have you stopped considering trying new things because you are:
- too old, too tired, too cranky, too dull, too young, too blah, blah, blah
In this inspirational talk, the founder of ModCloth (which she started at 17), talks about why it’s good and even powerful to be a ‘rookie.’ When we are rookies, we have no preconceived ideas about how it’s ‘supposed’ to work. That makes it easier (and even necessary) to innovate. We ask rookie questions, we make rookie decisions and we hopefully have rookie energy. Learning is energizing.
There is power in rookiedom. I’m not suggesting that you don’t ask for help or get advice from trusted advisers. Of course, that makes sense. But it’s also important to trust your rookie ‘gut’.
If you are accomplished at something but still want to get better or if you want to expand your capabilities, consider talking to a rookie. Someone who knows very little about the topic. They may have insights that all the experts in the world never would have had.
I was a rookie teacher… I cringe when I think of how naive I was. In many ways, I see how those early lessons shaped the teacher I am today. I’m excited to be a rookie again. I’ll keep you up to date on my, ahem, progress.
Photo credit: School Friends Woodley Wonderworks
I studied French and German as an undergrad. I always thought I wanted to be a French teacher. Once I became a secondary school teacher, I realized I liked the kids, didn’t like ‘school.’ Ok, so now what?
I had worked in the University Library for my work-study money and I loved it. So next thing I knew, I was in a Master’s of Library Science program. I didn’t have any idea what I was going to do with this degree. I didn’t really seem like all the other ‘librarians’, but I loved all the adult learning, bringing order out of chaos, etc.
I moved from Washington, D.C. to Rochester, N.Y. and finished my degree at SUNY Geneseo. Now what?
The point of the story is not… what I did. The point is that it’s surprising and amazing how all the skills I learned along the way, helped me gain my future positions. Whether it was teaching that turned into training, or knowing a foreign language that turned into translating; I had a background that others didn’t. That brought me opportunity. That brought my skills and personality to the attention of people who could help me in my career.
Just when you think your weird/odd range of interests could be of no possible benefit to anyone… suddenly you find that you are the person who can get the job done. Make your career long by doing the following:
- Constantly be learning
- Learn different things than other people (stamp collecting? uni-cycling?)
- Expand your network by deliberately including people of various ages, ethnicities, professions, etc.
Do not be discouraged if you are in a job (or looking) that isn’t exactly what you want or if you feel that your diverse skills aren’t appreciated. Hang in there and never give up. With patience if you come to see where you fit. The world needs you just the way you are.
Photo credit: Somersault Netjer-Lelahell
As some of you know I am expanding the focus of this blog to include the start up experience.
According to this article in Fortune, the #1 reason founders think their company failed (by a big margin) is that there was no market need.
I am 30+ years in business, many of them working with start ups and this problem is widespread in start ups. The good news is that the people who tried, learned. The bad news is that a lot of effort goes in to creating a company or a product. With some discipline, this problem can be eliminated.
I have seen so many “technology-push” solutions… i.e. “oh we’ve got this great widget, it’s so cool. Everyone will want one.” But then (shock), everyone doesn’t want one.
I have spent years sizing markets (especially for new categories/products), understanding customer needs and developing “go-to market strategies.” There are experienced people to help you determine the size of and how to approach the market. Please ask. Here’s a local resource and a national one.
Image credit: Fortune
When I worked at Kodak in the 1990’s (and before! yes, I’m that old)… a new program was introduced called, “Shift Happens.” And yes, the pun for “sh?t happens” was deliberate.
The emphasis of the program was personal responsibility for change. It was, of course, ironic that a company that made obscene amounts of money and (while good to its employees) was incredibly risk/change averse; suddenly wanted everyone to embrace the ability to change. A noble effort. Too little, too late.
Clearly the dilemma of “change” is part of the human condition. Socrates wrote the above quote around 400 B.C. So Kodak and the rest of us are all in the same boat.
It took me all long time to learn to want to change, to understand change is important and necessary.
My favorite quote is, “Change is good, timing is everything, patience is the key.”
What are you changing about yourself? If you’re not sure, if you need help, reach out and ask someone. If they can’t help, try someone else and keep trying until you find the person who is right for you… for right now. Happy changes.
Photo credit: Socrates quotes
Why do these people look happy? They look like they’re doing the dreaded “networking.” I’ve learned to appreciate the power of networking, but I still don’t like it.
The interviewer or connection you need something from, won’t appreciate that cold call. So, unless you are super charismatic, you will need practice at ferreting out a way to make yourself valuable to others, because at least 50% (probably much higher) get their job from a referral.
Try using these tools to help build your value to others:
1) LinkedIn – If you have a few hundred connections, be sure to search the contact’s name there. You might be pleasantly surprised the connections you share. If you don’t have a few hundred connections… you are missing a big opportunity to help others and get help when you need it. There are eBooks, online classes and many other ways to learn how to use the single best tool for business connections. I work to a) always be building my connections, b) contribute to the overall beneficial information there. Then when you need it; it will be there for you.
2) Say thank you. Often. Be grateful. Everyday.
People like to be around happy, confident, interesting people. If you’re in a difficult place. Fake it ’til you make it.
3) The Go-Giver is a wonderful little book that helps inspire us to give to get. Not sure what to give, how to give, when to give? Try this book or find a podcast or YouTube video that helps you learn how to give (what comes easily to you) to those who can use it.
Why should I help you? Make that answer a no-brainer.
Photo credit: TelecomHub Shashi
A dog can never tell you what she knows from the smells of the world, but you know, watching her, that you know almost nothing. Mary Oliver
This is my dog Gildie. She is the first dog I have ever had.
What is there to learn from your first dog? Wow. Everything. She is so excited to wake up every day and play. I need this.
She is motivated by food and people and toys. She is completely engaged in life except when she’s asleep and then she’s completely engaged in that.
I got a dog so I would have to go for a walk everyday. Rain or snow, whatever the weather, I needed a reason to get up and walk. Since she has the energy of 2 toddlers, I am compelled to play, walk, laugh and be completely engaged with her.
The quote above about how a dog perceives the world — through her nose– was brought home to me on one of those walks. She trusts her nose more than her eyes and it got me thinking. Which of my senses do I trust the most?
I am certain my eyes deceive me. Happily, I learned to trust my gut. Take all the information and sift it through the sensor that is my years of experience.What do you rely on? What you see, what you hear, what you believe? Do you jump to conclusions about people?
Understand how you learn and make decisions and you’ll be more effective in everything you do. How free are you with your opinions? Do you offer to give everyone the benefit of your wisdom? Or do you use your experience to let others find their own path? Use all the information given to you to help you be a better friend, co-worker, partner and parent. We’ll all benefit.
We all learned to negotiate as children. Depending on who we learned from, we either learned that success meant win – win or win- lose. Competition is healthy and there are occasions where one needs to ‘win.’ The Olympics — for instance. That’s not a negotiation, that’s a competition.
We do refer to the other companies in our industry as our ‘competition’ but that doesn’t mean that we crush them in every circumstance… particularly if that doesn’t serve our customers. Personally, we probably negotiate 10-20 times a day (even more if you have children or employees).
You may be unaware of your approach to negotiation. A good start is to pay attention to your words, attitude and mind set going in and coming out of negotiations for one whole day. Take some notes.
Here are a few steps to help you become a more aware negotiator.
1) Physically stand or sit next to the person. This sends an important signal that you are open and ‘on the same side.’ Does this work when you are disciplining? Only if it’s really a negotiation. By the way, pay attention to body language, your own and the other person’s.
2) Actively listen to the other person. Repeat back what they are saying so they know they are being heard.
3) Be sure to explain the why something needs to happen. While this isn’t always possible, it is really important for buy in and builds trust.
4) It’s not personal. The best negotiations keep the ‘personal’ out of it.
5) What’s the path forward? Are there alternatives in case of contingencies? These small steps build trust.
It can be fun to learn new skills.. and become more effective. Dig in and create that win/win.
Photo credit: Winning Together dcJohn